slash the stache

today i have to talk about something important.  the mustache.

take no offense if you are over 50 and sporting one.  you've earned it.

that's you, drin.

my dad rocked the mustache throughout my childhood.  it was his thing.  it was the era of the stache.  it was the 80's.  fashion sucked.  anything went.  i mean, i wore units and twister beads.  and i thought i was a princess when i put them on.  turns out, i was just a turd.

then one day he shaved it off.  and he looked weird.  and naked.  and i cried like the aviator cries when he watches "the bridge to tarabithia".   every. single. time.

i know you're thinking that this blog stinks.  and maybe  it does.  it stinks like a hairy upper lip.  on your mom.

but allow me to go on, please.

the mustache dates back a long time.  probably a million years.  i'm just throwing out numbers.

there's even a website for fans:  http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/.  check it out.  it'll blow your mind with "interesting" facts and details and such.

and over the years, there have been many famous mustaches.

tom selleck is the first person i think of when i think of the mustache.  (and i think about them all the time.  trust me.)

second on the list is alex trebec.

mario pulls it off better than anyone.  he's italian.  it's in his blood.

i can't remember mike ditka not having one.  and i can't imagine him without it.  it suits him.  like a hot apple cider with captain morgan suits me.  until forever.

burt reynolds.  and even norm macdonald playing burt reynolds on SNL.  because he owned the stache.

and brad pitt.  mr. and mrs. smith style.  it really isn't possible for this guy to look bad.  he looked hot in 12 monkeys for crying out loud.

all of these people wore their mustaches with pride.  confidence.  there were no criticisms thrown their way for their choices, because they made the right choice.  at the time.

not everyone has been so fortunate.

really, geraldo?  you were once a smart man.  then you had a lame talk show.  and you grew a facial fart.

hulk hogan.  enough said.

"You're only lonely if you're not there for you."   
Dr. Phil McGraw

charlie chaplin.  i realize it was his trademark look.  but maybe we should focus more on the insane amount of black eyeliner that he is also flashing.

matt damon.  looks like a child molester.  pretty sure he isn't.  because he's matt damon.  and he has a really pretty wife and 4 daughters.  and a full time job.  and he's a good guy.  because he's friends with ben affleck.  and everyone likes that guy.

but not everyone likes this guy.  which means they also don't like his face.  or anything happening in that general vicinity.

but the thing that all of these mustaches have in common is the fact that their wearers were able to pull them off.  because they make a lot of money. or know a lot of people.  or are involved in very important things.

but sometimes there is a person who should never try to sneak one on his face.

sometimes a person has a perfectly handsome delicious face without any add-ons.

because sometimes the add-ons aren't upgrades.  especially when they're red and brown and wirey.

sometimes having said add-ons makes picture taking not fun.  and gives said person the ability to look extra tool-y in said pictures.

and makes me look like a tool for being in said pictures with said mustache wearing tool.

and sometimes there isn't another word for tool.

or maybe i look like a dork without any help.  but you'll never know that because all you can focus on is the ridiculous mustache to my left.  or your left.  my right.  the point is, he's the big prince standing next to me.  and i'm the short one.

since the new addition, our marriage has hit a rough patch.  right in the face.  on the upper lip.

when the aviator speaks, i can't listen.  i can't focus on his words.  i can't stop looking.  staring.  shaking my head in disbelief.

and i certainly can't take him seriously.

i mean, seriously.

come on.

but sometimes we are blessed with good friends, even if we just met them, who will take one for the team and sport the stache with you.

even if SHE is the mother of 3.  and was supposed to be my friend.

thanks, lindsey.

hey aviator, i was thinking.  you know how you love me in sweats?  i know, you think i look sexy in my grays.  i'm going to wear them every day until your face is pretty again.  i love you.

just. say. no.

-dimply stacy