scams club

today i went to sam's. and i went hungry.

sam's on a normal day is bad news bears for me. i have never, i repeat "NEVER" walked out of that store without spending $200.  i almost did it once, a couple of months ago, but had to pay $40 to renew my membership at checkout, and ended up spending $219.  so close.

i left the house with good intentions.  i would run in and get fruit, broccoli, and ice cream for big c.  she's having her tonsils out tomorrow.  that's me being a good mom.

my good intentions were swallowed with my first gulp of sweet tea from the concession stand. "just get a drink, stacy.  that doesn't make you a bad person.  just a drink.  you can sip it while you shop.  don't be the fat girl. don't get the hot dog combo.  or the churro.  or the pretzel.  yes, i know the aviator won't know that i've eaten those things, but do it for yourself.  just get the drink."  i feel like this went on in my head for like an hour, but it was really just for about 20 seconds while the lady in front of me ordered a hot dog combo with a pretzel.  damn her.  not me, though. i just got a drink. proud of me?  i figured that would curb my hunger.  while i shopped in the world's largest  buffet of crap.  and who can shop at sam's without going up and down every aisle?  and if you say "oh, i totally just run in and out. i'm never tempted by the free samples.  or the bakery. or the life size dracula at the entrance." you're a liar.

today i discovered that i needed several more things than what was on my list.  for instance,  i had to have dog biscuits.  large ones.  for 50-100 pound dogs.  our dog, axel, is around 35 lbs.  i got him a 14 lb box, because at $9.98, it's a GREAT DEAL!  insert finger pointing at me.  sucker.

i managed to fill a basket with the "essentials", including this 900 lb tub of cheese balls.  seriously?  why was this a good idea?  oh, i know.  they are for the kids.  not me.  that's right.

and these?  these almost didn't make it.  i was almost a strong person.  no more junk starting today.  but then....

i felt like they were reaching out like a sad little kid who never gets any love and affection.  begging me to take him home with me.  puncturing my soul.  filling my veins with just one. more. fix.

they rode in the front seat next to me because i didn't want them to melt. what?  it's so hot in the back of the car. and i'm pretty sure i can just scratch out that 24 and put 20 on the quantity and the aviator will never know anything's missing.  including the pounds around my booty.

and he probably won't mind the extra weight anyways.  i only spent $135.  and that's like a record.

and if he gets mad, i'll just tell him that next time he can go by himself and do the grocery shopping.

and he can make the meals.

and he can clean the house.

and he can get the kids ready for school.

and he can feed the dog.

or i'll just tell him i fell down in the parking lot and everyone laughed at me.

and i'll cry.

- dimply stacy